I don’t wanna be pursued yet

I’m sorry,

Sorry for being so hesitant,

For being so guarded,

For letting my walls up,

For not giving it a try,

For leaving you hanging,

Waiting, and maybe hoping

For a respond.

I’m so sorry for being a coward,

I’m sorry for not letting you try.

But thank you, thank you for those songs you have recorded, you’ve sang, and even played guitar for me, I truly felt special and i appreciated it, it’s one of the things I wanted a guy would do to me, the kind of serenade that will make me look at the night sky and wonder what it’s like to be an important someone to someone—lol the kind of funny thing. Thank you for making me feel really like a girl that time, that a boy can somehow be interested to, even though I am not that pretty and interesting. I am not the easy girl, I am hard to pursue because I am so hesitant, coward, and doubtful about myself. I am such an idealistic person, which I somewhat hate about myself, I always want what I want, I always have an idea about what I wanted to have, I always fell in love with ideas instead of falling inlove with people who could have seen my worth as a woman who deserves nothing more or less but to be loved. To be honest, I am still trying to get over someone; a guy whose name I can’t seem to forget, a guy who never cared and see me, figuratively. This is what I’m trying to fix, I hate to say this but I feel like If i did continue ‘that’ and doing so, responding and giving you high hopes when I don’t have any intentions to have a thing with someone at the moment, It feels like i’m just lying to myself and to you, it doesn’t feel good to lie; to myself and to those people who doesn’t deserve to be lied to. You deserve to be happy.

I have learned my lesson and thanks for letting me realize again that—it’s not a guy, that I wanted right now, that will fill the emptiness-hole inside my heart, the loneliness and longing for someone is not what I really wanted as of the moment, that was I thought. I’ve come to realized that, what I’ve been longing is growth; for myself, for me, just for me. This is my time with myself to divert my attention to myself and help myself grow into a woman I wanted to be, I wanted to grow; physically, mentally, emotionally, and most specially—spiritually. This is my time with God, to know him and his love, in order for me to learn to love myself before I can love others.

You deserve someone who’ll respond,

Who will give you assurance,

Who will never make you wait,

Who will never leave you hanging,

Who will never ignore you,

Who will reciprocate the vibe you

gave to them, the kind of attention you

gave me that time, thank you for that

very shortwhile moment you made feel,

You will be a good guy, or you’re already

one that I do not know of.

I’m happy for you, and for the girl

you’ll like and finally love,

Thank you.


©photo:/artidote(ig)

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I’m not sorry for being this way—but thank you anyway.

To all the realest people I have, in my life, thank you.

Thank you for making me feel loved and valued,

Thank you for making me feel like you cared for me,

Thank you for those honest, kind and gentle words you said to me,

Thank you for telling me the truths, for telling me about my mistakes and what I need to work on with,

Thank you for making me feel like my feelings are important and valid,

Thank you for your company, for all the good times we had, and for all those memories we made together.

Thank you for all the years we’ve been together with, for all the hang-outs we had—countless hangouts I cannot seem to identify and pin point to which one was the most memorable, fun, and whorth-while exciting, because they all were. All of them because it was all with you guys.

Thank you, for introducing the world I didn’t discovered before,

Thank you for being part of my world, the world that used to be so small,

Thank you for expanding and stretching the space in my heart, for letting me be assured that it needs people there, few people to be kept inside it.

Thank you for teaching me things I didn’t knew back then, and accepting me the way I am,

Thank you for making me feel that I am worthy to be friends with, or am I?

Thank you for making me feel like i somehow belong.

I have always wanted to apologize for being the way I am, but no. I don’t want to apologize about myself to other people just because they might not like me. This is the way I am—this is me.

I may have a lot to say to you but didn’t, because I didn’t have the guts, or didn’t have the spirit to spill it all because maybe you wouldn’t understand, because I always, do not know HOW to say it all. this is for you.

I want you to know this side of me—that you have no idea about

I am such a soft person, i’m sorry.

I am so sensitive inside, i‘m sorry.

even though I don’t always say that I get hurt sometimes or most of the time, I hurt in silence because I don’t want you to be bothered about those sudden (nonsensical) emotional-outburst or my kadramahan.

I easily get hurt, i’m sorry.

even though I keep brushing away all the questions you have for me, asking me what’s wrong or why I became so wired off and not in the mood, or even being hesitant and chose not to talk about it, so in order to avoid it I just laughed and brushed it off—it’s what I always do because I do not want anyone’s sympathy and I do not want my problems to be your problems, because you have your own and I do not want to add.

I have always evaluated myself if am I doing the right things as a friend? Have I done right my duties as a friend to my friends? Or what do I need to do more to be a good friend? I tried to change, the way I am, you’re part of the reason but mostly the reason is it’s for myself, for my own growth and just really for me.

But the thing I realized is that, I do not have to change everything, because this is the way I am, this is my flaws and I have to embrace it.

This is my way of everything. It’s my own way of expressing.

I am not outspoken, i’m sorry.

I am not affectionate and showy, i’m sorry.

I wasn’t always there with you, im sorry.

But just because sometimes, someone’s not there in a specific period of time that doesn’t mean they can’t be there when they need to be. Maybe people aren’t always present because their world was falling apart and that they have to be there to keep it from crashing down to their feet. they have their own problems too.

I equally love all of you even though I don’t always say it and if you don’t see and feel like I do, but I do—i do love you. You’re important and you’re one of few people I truly value and wanted to treasure, forever always.

people doesn’t believe in forever but for me forever is just an ‘always’

If there’s no ‘forever’ then let it be ‘always’

I’ve doubted myself about a lot of things and I spent most of my time; overthinking, blaming myself why I am like this, and fantasizing about my ideals, i am such an idealistic person and I hate it sometimes. Instead of accepting the real and what’s present, i always envision what I really wanted things to be. I hate it sometimes.

I’ve realized that it’s not you that I need to make up some time, affection and forgiveness. I don’t have to apologize to you or to anyone for being this way but I have to apologize to the person who hurts silently, who keeps loathing, who keeps hurting and who’s soaking up with brutal words I kept telling her, I made her cry, I fed her with words that are harsh and unbearable to hear, to that person, I’m so sorry, I’m deeply so sorry, and that person is no other than—myself.

To all the people who stayed real with me and stayed by my side, i love you

this is me and thank you for accepting me.


©photo:/artidote(ig)